Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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