i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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