Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
