Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
