6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
