I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
