Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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