I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
