We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
