I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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