so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
