All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I could make wine with my vomit
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
