she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
