Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
