Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
