hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
