There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Randomize
