Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
