No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
