i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I have already put on my inside pants.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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