Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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