but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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