Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Come share oat with me in your robe
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I want a musical about memes.
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