The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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