I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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