Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
