he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Randomize
