I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
