some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
