guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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