If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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