I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
