I wish I could teleport
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
