I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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