I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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