My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
