What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
