the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
