Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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