No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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