sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
