Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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