i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
