Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
