i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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