It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
