I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
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