I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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