I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
