I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
