so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
