She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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