if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
